An Updated Holiday Classic
With apologies to Clement C. Moore, you can find many “Twas the Night Before Christmas” parodies. In the holiday spirit, here’s one of my favorites.
One Crazy Cool Yule [Author unknown]
“Twas the Night before Christmas” has lots of nice rhymes
But I fear that the tale doesn’t fit modern times.
What is a kerchief? My dad wears no cap.
He snores the whole night, no way it’s a nap.
They tell me that Santa is coming tonight.
Hell be flying in here on a sleigh. Yeah, RIGHT!
When I was much younger I believed all that stuff,
Now that I’m older I know it’s a bluff.
As this Christmas eve is going so slow
I sneak down the stairs to watch HBO.
Nothing is stirring, it’s quiet down here.
Security’s on so there’s nothing to fear.
All of a sudden I hear the floor squeak
Someone is coming, sneakety, sneak.
And then as my heart leaps up to my throat
I see a fat man in a funny red coat.
He stands by the table and looks through the house
And takes from his pocket a tiny gray mouse.
He says, “Ho, Ho Ho, I truly believe,
There must be a mouse in each Christmas eve.”
His belt buckle shakes as he laughs, look at that.
My gosh this jolly old guy sure is fat.
He looks up. He sees me and gives a big smile.
Says, “I came to see you. Let’s talk for a while.
“You’re one grown up child that doesn’t believe
That Santa Claus comes on each Christmas eve.
You’re a big girl. Your mind’s filled with doubt.
It’s simple, without me the joy is left out.
“I remember the time you sat on my knee
A smile on your face, eyes sparkling with glee.
Don’t you remember the thrill you felt then?
With a little belief you can feel it again.
“Santa Claus comes for each child at the start.
The rest of their lives I live in their heart.
If you are a youngster or wrinkled old guy
You still can hear sleigh bells ring cross the sky.”
He turns as he says, “Will you please come out here?”
And there on the driveway stand eight cool reindeer.
They all nod to me and then snort in chorus,
“Who’s this pretty girl now standing before us?”
I wave as I tell them, “I’m Anna May.”
As the big burly guy crawls into his sleigh.
He says, “It’s my new team, a real with-it crew.
I’ll let Captain Cosmos give their names to you.”
“Here’s E-mail and Hat Rack, Cool Dude and Charley,
I’m Cosmos, there’s Awesome, Brucie and Narley.
Head Cat is Santa, the North Pole’s his home,
We see him all year cause we hang out in Nome.”
Then they take off and fly to the roof
Tap a short rap and give a “high hoof.”
All turn and shout, “Tonight reindeers rule.
The eight of us wish you a crazy cool Yule.”
Then Santa shouts, “It’s true some things change.
But believe in the basics.” As he speeds out of range.
Then I hear repeated, as my willing ears strain,
The words I now love, my favorite refrain.
“Twas the Night before Christmas” has some things outdated
But The Story, dear folks, is not overrated.
Throw open the window, and rejoice in the sight!
“Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
Whatever and however you celebrate this holiday, best wishes for a happy & safe one!